“I nearly tripped over the shards of my broken heart as I pushed my cart through the local Walmart. They were everywhere, threatening to tumble me into an unrecoverable depression. The greatest amount were scattered among the skateboards and bicycles, tempting memories of better days to come flooding forward.”

This slice of life is from an essay I wrote in 2003. I was in the depths of grief.

***

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. That loss can be the death of a person, a pet, a relationship, and even such things as a dream. Grief is the anguish experienced in response to that loss, and it can include physiological distress and separation anxiety. In sum, grief makes life hurt.

Grief happens with the awareness that what was is no more, and its intensity can consume us. To grieve is to realize, acknowledge and struggle with the loss. The sudden absence slams against one’s heart and creates an ache that’s unbearable. The pain is felt deep within the soul.

But that’s ok, because grief is a divine gift. It’s a natural state of being given to us by God in reaction to loss through death or other means. He understands—Jesus himself wept at the passing of Lazarus as noted in John 11:35. It’s a normal, healthy expression of emotional suffering. Without great love, there would not be great suffering. It’s a blessing to be able to feel so deeply.

***

What’s going on?

Life is not a series of one happy and content moment after another, to be sure, so why do people feel the need to act like it is, even in the midst of grief? Where did the notion come from that being upbeat or neutral is acceptable, but that grieving isn’t?

Consider these examples:

• A parent dies and the remaining one won’t allow their children to see his or her sadness. They say, “I must be strong for the children.” Yes, that parent must continue to care for the children mentally, physically and spiritually, but that care doesn’t mean the parent can’t allow his or her grief to show. Consider the perspective of the kids. Let’s say a father suddenly has a heart attack and dies. The children are upset and distraught, and yet they see that Mom doesn’t seem to be. She doesn’t cry like they do and she carries on without apparent distress. She’s “strong.” Think of the message that sends to the kids: “Why are we so sad and Mom isn’t?” Why doesn’t she cry? Didn’t she love Dad as much as we did? Is something wrong with us for being more upset that her?”

• People are often interviewed for news reports or television shows after a tragedy that has taken the life of someone, such as a car accident, a shooting or a natural disaster. Sometimes those being interviewed will tear up and be unable to continue for a moment, then they quickly apologize for allowing their grief to show. Some will walk off the set instead of let their grief be seen.

• Some will have a Celebration of Life for a loved one instead of a funeral. To celebrate another’s life is an admirable deed, but the trend is that that vibe is to be upbeat as that person’s life is remembered and honored with positivity. But regardless of religious beliefs concerning afterlife, or regardless of the fact that the deceased isn’t suffering anymore, or regardless of the fact that the departed lived a selfless and principled life, the truth of the matter is that the loved one no longer exists physically. The ones left behind have to learn a new way to live without them. And that adjustment is difficult and sad. But weeping and mourning aren’t consistent with a celebratory atmosphere.

So, what are we doing here?

Why not let our children see us grieve? After all, they can better relate to mourning than stoicism and “strength.” To grieve is not a sign of weakness. It’s just a normal, divine response to loss.

And why do family, friends and law enforcement apologize for the grief that spills from their eyes during an interview? The expression of pain makes sense, yet the interviewee often apologizes, walks off the set and returns when they’ve removed all outward signs of sadness. Why? Why stuff it down? Why hide it? The rest of us understand the pain, so why strive so hard to conceal it?

Also, Celebrations of Life are a noble way to honor someone’s life. But so are funerals, and funerals are more open to the weeping, mourning and emotional suffering of those who must carry on without their loved ones. Consider the benefits of having a Celebration of Life several months after the funeral: both mourning and commemorating could be fully experienced.

***

Value of Tears

To cry is the utmost expression of grief. It is the divine means by which we can purge our souls.

Crying releases stress hormones that build up within us and cause physical and emotional stress. It stimulates the production of endorphins, which help produce a more positive outlook.

Before crying, blood pressure and heart rate climb, but the hormonal release of tears creates a sense of calm within us.

Allowing tears to flow washes the spirit, lightens the heaviness of pain and makes room for acceptance of the loss.

***

Grief is Sacred

There is a sacredness to grief and the tears triggered by it. It is a divine way of being in which we feel deeply and can express openly, if only we will. To genuinely grieve means we have genuinely loved. And we are truly blessed if we have been loved in return.

***

Lightened the Load

I began this post with an excerpt from an essay I wrote years ago. I was entrenched in grief and often cried my way through shopping trips. I wrote about my son, then submitted it for publication. And you know what? That story has been published numerous times and readers embrace it. I have a stack of letters from mothers who could relate to my mourning what could’ve been.

My openness lightened the heaviness of reality. The grief is still there, but my sharing it instead of burying it years ago connected me to others who understood and empathized. Grieving, weeping and sharing has brought me to a place of acceptance and peace.

***

What do you do with your grief?